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Tuesday, December 4th, 2001
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2:32 pm
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| Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
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10:52 pm - who, what.
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your big long box.
courier new.
i am not getting any help from anyone.
i have no ways of helping my self.
nobody wants to help me, even.
i would do almost anything, live with almost anyone to not be with her. to get away from here.
cannot take this much longer, but i have to. WHY.
no cares.?
god..
current mood: let down
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(dont comment)
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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4:10 pm - .
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hours.
ages.
i've decided this is my whole PseudoDepression journal. you know, the journal i kept when i was horribly sad from about march till may.
anyways, one of the reasons i was sad was because ryan seemed to dislike me all of a sudden. it was strange. and it made me feel bad.
now he seems to be doing it to dani.
i don't like it.
at all.
people should NOT jump back and forth between liking people.
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(dont comment)
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| Monday, June 11th, 2001
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1:30 pm
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all im doing is laughing. hahaha.a this is nice. ohyeah.
heh.
current mood: happy
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(dont comment)
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1:26 pm
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BAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAH!
i SO fucking rule.
ha. heh. mebbe.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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(dont comment)
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| Sunday, June 10th, 2001
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2:19 pm - the fat of the land.
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i think you all suck.
and, i think youre all dumb.
i think i'm dumb too, but i feel like talking about YOUR dumbness right now.
i have no reason to think youre dumb. i think you all are actually pretty intelligent.
i just feel like calling you dumb, because im having an amusing pseudo-angst session right now.
bahahaha.
i finished fight club. it was really short, and i wondered why i didnt understand the alter-ego type thing in the movie. did they even explain it? i cant remember. so i dont know which i should read next. lalala
sometimes i wonder if anyone has ever kissed their hand and poured lye over it in an attempt to be tyler durden. like the person who stuck his penis into a pie..that article that erynn once posted on bh. or was it l-i-b-e-r-t-y at the time? who knows. it doesnt matter.
i wouldnt be surprised. lots of the time i kiss my hand, and wonder what it'd feel like to pour lye on it. probably intensely painful, so i wont, because i dont like pain. because i dont like pain, i will never be set free.
hahaha. oh well. heh.
im gone. i feel very fat. so, uhm, im gonna do something to make me feel unfat. later. or tomorrow..who knows...laaa.a tra.l lalalaa. !
"Honestly, human beings are the greatest lot of fools, shutting themselves off from the things they care most about for the most grotesque reasons."
-Helen Hooven Santmyer (Herbs and Apples)
current mood: humid enough for a sore throat
current music: i never listen to music these days, cept when i go to sleep..
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(1 disobeyed | dont comment)
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| Saturday, June 9th, 2001
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12:10 pm - shit, man, these are so accurate! haahahaah!
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quizbox.com/personality
(out of this world)
You may not be so happy with your present situation. However, you think you can still get by.
(peeking through a hole)
WHEN DEALING WITH THE ONE YOU LIKE:
You understand them very well.
(a new plant)
This test indicates your attitudes towards your parents.
You rely on your parents too much and want them to always be close to you.
(five question personality test)
YOUR IDEAL MATE is kind and generous.
ABOUT YOUR WISH: What you have planned will be successful. You make rational wishes.
YOUR ATTITUDES TOWARDS SUCCESS: You don't care about your success.
YOUR ATTITUDES TOWARDS SOCIETY: Joy and sorrow are a pair. There are always ups and downs.
ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY: You are sincere and optimistic. (i care about my success. i think. i dunno.)
(how attractive are you?)
Congratulations!
You are extremely attractive to the opposite sex! You are not only good looking but your personality is also charming in many ways.
You know how to get along with people and can allocate your time well, thus you are always popular among the opposite sex.
heh.
(how do you choose your soulmate?)
Education is your first priority.
Appearance is the second one.
Love is the next.
Finally, you don't care about Money.
that is insulting.
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(dont comment)
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| Thursday, June 7th, 2001
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5:56 pm - ill soon be nakeeed, lying on the floor, lying on the flooooor, ive come undooone
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| Wednesday, June 6th, 2001
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10:52 pm - radiohead 0wnz j00 all.
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but, im listening to weezer right now. ha.
im quite pleased with myself these days. i think i'm being really productive and not wasting endless hours on the internet that ends up making me pissy.
result of not spending endless hours on the internet: i cant really talk to iPeople. i mean, when i'm online. it's kind of weird. i dunno, like we're iSeparated. haaha.
jesus..uhm..dooot. weezer is. SO FUCKING GOOD. tra, la, laaa. 13346 people have listed "reading" as an interest on lj. yayaya.
i still "have" to give my top 10 quotez to the quotez community thingy. it's kind of strange htat i havent put them in already. i mean, im all like,, WHEE OOH about quotes and stuff..but like. i dunno. im too busy. HAHAHA.
im hyper and im about to go to bed. weezer makes me sad, but it's not like, it doesnt make me cry, i guess. they have an uppish beat enough to make it so saaadddd.
btw, i think iris wasnt such a grea song. my mother is such a fucking bitch, i cant stsand her. shes so stupid, and annoying, and fucking.irritating, and she never fucking listens.
im tired of her masks, and im tired of her. and i want her to fucking, go away. isnt that new.
current mood: ehh.
current music: Weezer - 05Across the Sea
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(dont comment)
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| Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
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7:17 pm - system shock error. fuck.
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my internet. is going. so FUCKING SLOW.
and it's . reallly. really. pissing me off. because i cant LOOK AT ANYTHING. ugh. apiwep apowooieiiiiiiuraew.awerpiwa eruawerajwi aopwoie aiwr
it's been doing this for about three days. jesus christ.
current mood: pissed, obviously.
current music: chili peppers\this velvet glove
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(dont comment)
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| Monday, June 4th, 2001
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10:58 pm
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you know, you think you'd be comfortable talking about it with people who have experienced it.
but youre not.
or im not.
isnt that fucked.?
(not really, because i suppose it's different for everyone.)
current mood: afterthoughty
current music: Oasis - Champagne Supernova
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(dont comment)
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10:53 pm - it's whats in everyone's head.
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everything is unworking. except livejournal. isnt that a p aradox. i wonder why im writing in here. i dont know, i dont know about anything.
im all sick of everything. and stuff like that..
please dont put your life in the hands of a rock and roll band, and throw it all away
oh, my ear hurts. i rented lolita from the video place. i suspect it wont be very good, but i dont care, at hte moment. i am so exhausted, and tired. i havent had one minute to myself all day. seriously.
except this morning. i keep forgetting about this morning. it's sostrange. i had three hours all alone, and i keep forgetting about it. as if it doesnt matter. maybe it doesnt. i wasted time, i dont care.
i took my algebra test today, i got an a on it. i know. nothing has come back yet, i wanna move to the dorm, im looking forward to jessie's visit in august. august is al ong time away
im self censoring.
uhm. ta.
im stressed out. im gonna go sleep, i guess. i dunno. blah.
i dont even know what im thinking about right now. dah. had. ;aowe apweoalweirea. my computer isshaking. im angry, and my back hurts.
it's only the beginning. it always is.
current mood: stressed
current music: Oasis - Champagne Supernova
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(dont comment)
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| Saturday, May 26th, 2001
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4:55 pm
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I'm going to do deceased again.
for me, only though. everything will be private.
yeah, well. dot.
thee end, i guess.
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(dont comment)
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| Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001
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11:05 pm - just go away.
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i need to get rid of this idea that i am independent.
i am not independent, therefore i should be unable to think independantly.
because if i think independantly while being un independant it'll crush me when i cant do what i want and piss me off more.
so, someone take my idea that i dont have to do anything i dont want to do away from me because it's all wrong.
all.
wrong.
current mood: frustrated
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(dont comment)
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11:03 pm
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10:30 pm - teardrop on my knee.
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im not living in reality. I am, but all the time I can I'm off somewhere else.
In my dreams I am no longer in Korea.
I am no longer in Asia.
I am no longer with my family.
how much longer can i take this, i ask you. I'm sitting here with a tiny smile on my lips smirking at the snowy background with a starsun. There is a teardrop on my knee and my eyes are wet.
And I smirk.
slitting my throat it's all i ever
Turn me on take me for a hard ride
Burn me out leave me on the otherside
I yell and tell it that it's not my friend
I tear it down I tear it down, and then it's born again
current mood: gloomy
current music: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Otherside
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(dont comment)
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| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
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10:43 pm - sob, again, #231 while mother bitches.
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and, i hate them. and, they dont care to ask WHY. or they just dont want to.
or i brush them off.
something is wrong though, and they dont know because theyre too scared or apathetic to ask why.
and im wondering, am i even going to an intl school in 9th grade, or is dad just going to forget about that like he fucking forgets about every other fucking thing i want to do and doesnt care, because it's so much easier to forget you have daughters and a family and it's so much easier to just live by yourself in your dorm an hour away, so fucking much easier, and you think people are better off, and yes, i am better off but it's still not good you dont CARE or you dont WANT to care so you pretend you dont,. you dont you dont you dont you dont you dont you dont you dont you dont you dont youdont DONT DONT DONT.
i know it's so much easier to forget and not care, but you have fucking responsibility you havea wife and two children and you dont care about us. just come in and shout whenever something is bothering your fucking SLEEP or your fucking TV SHOW. i know i shouldnt be saying this, i know you probably care but you dont show it. youre a fake fake dad. a very fake dad, with all smiles on top and acting like we're such a fucking perfect family but when something ruins the perfect family you lose your temper and start shouting and degrading everyone and everything around you until people shut up and become your perfect goddamned family again.
you dont have a perfect family, and youre part of the dysfunctional family, and you cant just run away like that, all the time, im your fucking daughter and the only reason you ever talk to me is if mom disagrees with something i wanna do and goes and bothers you about it, or when song-a and i get into a fight. you dont CARE.
why dont you just go. go away in your stupid dorm room and pretend we dont exist. forever, because it wouldnt make any difference.
fuck you.
current mood: sad, angry, head hurts. fuckyou
current music: nothing. because my dear sister has to fuckign STUDY.
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(dont comment)
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6:06 pm - when will it all stop.? will it ever? will i ever get a break, anything?
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I need to have a good cry. i have them enough, but today. today today. they just keep coming to my eyes and i have to push them back, because. because because.
today was horrible. at violin, all she said was "did you practice?" and suddenly everything came flooding up into my head and it started hurting, hurting, hurting. and i had to hold in my tears. why is everything hurting? why does everything have to be like this.
tell me why my sister is like she is. tell me why my sister is such a bitch. tell me why my sister is so horrible. tell me why she's so pushy, so fucking annoying, so fucking un understanding, so fucking her.
tell me if i made her like that by being so indifferent. or dont, it wont make me feel any better.
Tyler: Listen, you can run water over your hand and make it worse, or -- look at me -- or you can use vinegar to neutralize the burn
she slaps me, and i cry -silently- and she calls me a brat. why. god, why. and then she makes that noise. oh, fuck. why do i have to live with her and why is she my sister and why is she related to me and do i act like her at all. i probably do. because im an awful awful person wth an awful life in an awful place with an awful family.
silently whimpering. with nothing. and nobody. how familiar is this all.
current mood: sad
current music: goo goo dolls - acoustic #3
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(dont comment)
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12:48 pm - im so fucking sick of whining to myself.
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but that's all iever do. i cant read anything ive ever written anymore because if it's nice it makes me sad that i was once happy and i'm not anymore and if it's depressing then it just reminds me of how depressed i am. and im probably not even depressed!. im probably just a whiny whiny whiny bitch with no concept of sadness. because im stupid, im annoying, and i suck.
i dont know what to do to change it.
how many times have i said this. ive said everything about 50 times by now: i hate my family, i hate my life, i hate myself, and i hate my location.
why do i keep doing this. and ive said that too.
i have nothing to say, im always ALWAYS repeating myself. and. and. and and.
i want people to listen to me, and understand, and i want people to stop fucking bothering me all hte time. and i want to be less easily annoyed and not so bitchy and more likable and everything.
i dont want to be me, even though i like my personality.
what a great paradox. i am a fucking paradox.
current mood: pissed off
current music: A Perfect Circle - Magdalena
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(dont comment)
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12:18 pm - =' '=
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i miss you.
and love you.
and am sorry.
for nothing.
because i did.
nothing.
atall.
i still miss you.
and love you.
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(dont comment)
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argentum's journal